How I started a research project… because of a feeling

In the psychostate! pinned website you can find all about my project comparing the manipulations carried out by a toxic person (specifically, a narcissist) with what happens under a totalitarian regime.

This whole idea started with a feeling. One that I do not wish on anyone, but one that has later on inspired me to dive deep into the dark world of the psychology of dramatic disorders and mechanisms of the totalitarian state. I started researching who a human being really is at the core, and how we should be treated – and what happens when we are abused.


A feeling that almost killed me in the darkest days of my life has inspired me to write a research article in the end.


I was dealing with a toxic workplace – silenced and ignored, I got finally discarded and thrown away without closure. My abuser used techniques so insidious that I know nobody will believe me. I was most probably smeared, too, however, I wouldn’t want to know anything about it now.


In late 2018, lying in bed and suffocating, I squirmed in the debilitating pain of:

„I will never make them understand”

„They will never empathize with me”

„They will not get that story, it’s too absurd”

„They will not believe a human being can be treated this way”

„They will not see how dehumanizing it is”

„It’s so weird nobody will think it’s possible”


I felt like I’m in a glass tank, and the air is running out, depriving me of any means to be heard. Because sounds travel in air. And I was meant to be voiceless.


I really felt the familiarity of this state. I have already felt this way before. It was less intense. It wasn’t an individual toxic abuser. It didn’t take away a few years of my life because of the direct impact. But I have felt that way before! Where? When? Why?


While learning all that I could in the field of clinical psychology to try to understand the disorder of my abuser, I stumbled upon a peculiar blog. Written by a self-aware sociopath in a very poetic style – a chance to get a glimpse into a self-collapsing, disordered mind that truly believes in being a master manipulator and a different kind of human… In reality, he’s an alien lacking some essential brain cells. Dark, informative, unsettling and slapping you in the face kind of blog.


And this post is what made me write a research article to Estudios Libertarios in the end:

„Go on, beat your tiny fists about that façade, see if you can punch some holes in it although I know you will not be able to. Shout and stamp and holler all you like. I will enjoy watching you do that and there will be no favourable outcome for you. You are the crazy one and you are trying to unseat the stable, rational, dependable and ultimately far more likeable me. But you keep trying, it amuses and fuels me as your bloodied hands slap against the façade with no effect and your voice becomes no more than a rasp. I will watch as the hope fades in your eyes to be replaced by fear and incomprehension. Keep trying though, keep going and reinforce what I have already indoctrinated them to believe. They believe me. They won’t believe you.”


This was it. I was born 11 days after the Fall of the Berlin Wall, but it was still on the wrong side.


That was the facade I was beating my tiny fists about.


I emigrated to Western Europe and they had no idea. And the popculture didn’t care. They even embraced socialism.


I have identified the feeling. A socialist state also treats you like an object, not a human being. You will be emotionally abused. And you will feel like there is no way THEY (those inexperienced Westerners) will understand it OUT THERE (where they had the luxury of not dealing with socialism).


I have seen it in people one generation older than me all too many times. My prospective thesis advisor even told me that I should understand I’m from the worse part of Europe.


No, I am not! If anything, I’m from the more experienced part! And I refuse to accept this narrative. We should build bridges and communicate.


It is more possible than we think. And other people can empathize with us more than we think – it’s the symptom of emotional abuse that makes us believe it’s impossible.
But individual sociopaths and narcissists are out there. All kinds of dramatic life stories are out there, too. Just because they are not in the mainstream culture, it doesn’t mean you cannot convey what you’ve been through to an open-minded, empathetic foreigner.

Their experience may even be more similar than you think.


Remember, all these toxic groups, all these naive believers that will not understand you do not constitute the whole world.


Speak up.

Opublikowane przez agnieszkakonstancja

Freedom, not manipulation.

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